Dear Children of the Candy Corn,
As you may have noticed, something sort of strange happened to Miss What’s-Your-Name-Again halfway through school yesterday. Before you left for PE, I was my usual sassy, if somewhat generally confused and tired-looking, self, gamely remembering to refer to you by your new, adopted nickname, “Vanilla M&M” (or “Vanilla Eminem,” it was never entirely clear,) sitting attentively through the baby animal photos that WILL JUST MAKE YOU DIE!!!!!!!, and calling you out when you ganged up on that poor girl who tossed the wayward ball to the wrong person in your CRAZY FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME. I called you over and reminded you of the unfairness in yelling at someone who neither has any understanding of the rules of your game nor the division of the teams (not to mention the fact that none of you did, either.) I did what I believed to be a fairly respectable job of handling the situation until I realized that Joe or Kyle or whatever his name is was behind me almost the entire time, waving the arms of my coat that I had draped over my shoulders to emphasize my more salient points. So you all had a real good laugh at my expense, and I yelled at you to go away and maybe try to play something that has rules in the two minutes of recess you had left.
… It was somewhere in those few moments that a parent walked by, and interpreted my conduct towards you as super wow mean, and went to report that there was a super wow mean teacher yelling at kids outside. And after recess, when you guys went to PE, Miss What’s-Your-Name-Again was called into the Principal’s office.
I tell you this in the hopes that it will help you understand why, when I was trying to walk you to art and you were tackling each other on the field, instead of barking your last names and ordering you back in line, I called in my best Julie Andrews, Oh boys! Please join us back in line! (which you ignored because… well, I’m sure you thought I had just lost my goddamn mind.) In between attempts to Mary-Poppins you back into line, I was forced to intervene between two of your classmates, one of which had apparently forbidden the other to refer to herself as “Doodoo Face” (Honey, if she wants to call herself Doodoo Face, she can… I’m sure you were just trying to be a good friend by recommending she not do so, and I celebrate you for that, but it’s her right as an American to call herself Doodoo Face and we must honor that.) Another student was presenting me a balloon with MISS PRACK smeared across it in washable marker, for which I thanked her profusely, tucking it under my arm while I continued to explain the first amendment to What’s-Her-Name. The balloon then exploded, scaring the everloving shit out of all of you, and I just looked at your muddy, crazed, tear-streaked faces, blinked back the tears in my own eyes, clapped my hands and cried, Well my goodness wasn’t that fun!
So, I just wanted you to know why Miss What’s-Your-Name-Again acted so wack yesterday afternoon. We don’t need to talk about how I got called mean; we really don’t. We don’t need to talk about how I cried in the Principal’s office. We also don’t need to talk about how I’m obviously not a super wow mean teacher, because that’s pretty much the opposite of what I am. I am so super duper nice, and so widely known specifically for my niceness, that it’s almost laughable that someone would look at me and say, wow what a mean, yelly teacher. It would be silly of me to let something so absurdly off-base bother me, worm its way into my little shriveled heart and poison every nice thing anyone has ever said about me. If I did let it, which of course I haven’t— at all— one single tiny bit, I could just flip through some of the very sweet notes I’ve been gifted by students over the years, which would remind me that I am
(as a teacher.)
and that I am RILLY NICE.
she means Best. I think. I am the best.
I wouldn’t need to remind myself that the VERY SAME KID I was “yelling at” chose to give his feedback at the end of the day to me, and that it was that he was very happy that I was his sub, and that I’m the nicest sub ever. I wouldn’t do any of that, because, I mean, wow, how ridiculous would that be, so we don’t need to talk about it OKAY? OKAY??<!>>!>@>!>!>!!@@!!
Did you deserve to be called out? Yeah. Was I super wow yelly and mean to you? You all left laughing, so it couldn’t have been that bad. All I was trying to convey to you was that when someone’s just walking by your game, she really has no idea what’s going on.