by Miss What's-Your-Name-Again?




… Really? Really?! REALLY?!


I pick you all the time! I, in fact, pick you MORE often than What’s-Her-Name, for the specific reason that I know you and she are frenemies and she gets way more attention than you because, well, she doesn’t pull shit like this, for one. Also, we JUST went over question marks and COME ON, you are like one of the ONLY KIDS IN CLASS I WAS RELYING ON to remember it, COME ON GIRL WORK WITH ME HERE.

Look, I get it. You’re sensitive about What’s-Her-Name because she’s so cute and nice and well-liked, and you are also cute and nice and well-liked, but, well, you’re not What’s-Her-Name. And who is? I mean, just look at her, helping people with stuff, being all inclusive at recess and letting everyone play her stupid game, cleaning up her trash, washing her hands after she picks her nose– I mean, who can maintain all that crap but What’s-Her-Name? You want to know the worst part? Welcome to your life. There’s always going to be that one girl who seems to effortlessly or absolutely laboriously and totally knowingly or maybe unknowingly do EVERY SINGLE THING BETTER THAN YOU. She’s your nemesis. She’s your #ALISON.

Who is #ALISON? She’s a girl in my grad school program. She comes from a long line of teachers. She goes the extra mile. She likes to volunteer to answer questions addressed to the professor. She is a leader, not a follower. She refers to herself as “Type A.” She refers to kids as the children. But that’s not all she is.

Oh no.

Someday, #ALISON will take a photo of the two of you, in which she looks super cute and you look like shit, and post it all over social media and tag you in it. #ALISON is younger than you, but gets promoted first. #ALISON is constantly referring to people as either “her age” or “your age.” #ALISON is the girl that the boy you’ve fallen in love with gets with instead of you. #ALISON has a lot of money but pretends she doesn’t. #ALISON has a lot of money, and forgets that you don’t. #ALISON complains that there aren’t enough songs celebrating skinny girls. What’s with all the songs talking about how great girls with curves are? #SKINNYGIRLS need love too.

You know #ALISON is a person just like any other person and has hopes and dreams and fears and feelings, but you just can’t bring yourself to take it there with her. You know that being a truly empowered, self-confident lady means embracing and lifting your fellow ladies up instead of drinking the haterade on them and you’re perfectly willing to do that for every lady you know and don’t know. Except #ALISON.

If someone tries to tell you that you and #ALISON are not so different, punch them in the face. They’re wrong.



Addendum: So, as you know, we sat down and had a talk about your letter, and I told you how I really appreciated and respected how you communicated your feelings. I said that I had no idea you felt that way, I apologized if there were any instances in which I had been unfair, that I trusted you to help me as much and in the exact same way as I trusted #ALISON. I also told you that I hoped you would always come to me if anything upset you, and that I was so proud of how brave you were. I found this in your “Unfinished Work” folder this afternoon:


I take it back.